I wouldn’t normally publicise this side of my private life but seeing as my blogging hiatus has dragged out I thought why not fill you in on the mess that is currently my life! Instead of having a painful break up that caught me by surprise I was experiencing a dragged out but inevitable one. It got to the point where I couldn’t be near him and living in a flat with only two rooms on offer he got the front room and I was confined to the bedroom. Eventually I decided that it was time for me to move out but instead it turned out that I ended up staying in the flat by myself. The first few nights were the hardest I had experienced since my Grandma was diagnosed with Cancer and I was sleeping alone in her house. I love my own space and can’t deal with the intensity of a person 24/7 yet I felt so lonely and lost. The flat was a mess, the TV, the Xbox and other appliances I relied on had been taken when I wasn’t home and was left with a mattress on the floor and a tiny TV on a side table. I laid on the mattress and cried, attempted to console myself with Netflix, countless cigarettes and music but nothing calmed the restlessness of my mind.
After nearly five years with the same person, lost friends and comfortable familiarity I was initially concerned that I just wouldn’t be able to date again. I had been made to feel like I couldn’t do any better, constantly criticised and made to feel stupid, it took me a while to mentally remove myself from that situation and start feeling independent again. As soon as I started seeing family and friends alone I was the happiest I had been since college, and I realised it wasn’t normal to not be allowed that freedom and independence, that it is actually a basic right I have for myself. One of the friends I met up with during the break up was using Tinder, and I had never even seen it before let alone knew how to use it. I downloaded it predominantly as a joke whilst I was at the pub- I didn’t even know the right way to swipe at first for a small indicator of my complete naivety and separation from the single/dating world!
Once I started receiving messages on Tinder I started chatting to a few guys casually until I adjusted to the situation which surprisingly took very little time. Meeting up with a ‘stranger’ was my biggest worry, as I had heard about people’s bad/sketchy experiences and am an avid lover of Catfish! I eventually bit the bullet as I really wanted to move on with my life. I wasn’t eager or desperate for rebound sex or a rebound relationship as I wasn’t hurt/upset by the break up as it was my choice and had been a long time coming so I had no expectations when meeting guys. In total since I’ve had the app I’ve met up with four guys- one was terrible, one was even terribler, one was messy and the other was one of the best decisions I have had made for myself in a long time.
The dangerous thing for me personally when it comes to dating is when I develop feelings for someone. I have been hurt and stressed for too much of my life to want any more of that to persevere. I started dating again with the intention of going for drinks/ seeing guys so that I could have fun again and enjoy myself on my terms. However the successful date off Tinder that I brushed over is developing into feelings and emotions again. I find it impossible to trust anyone just yet, especially when scenarios and characteristics are deja vu’s of past events and a failed relationship.
My expectation of Tinder was casual hook ups and dick pics, but instead I have actually fallen for someone off it instead…